"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" – This was me every week!

The vicious circle that engulfed my life from the age of 17 – a circle where I would feel hate towards myself but would then find the cure in further self-destruction. Drink and drugs became the means to deliver quick results, enabling me to feel confident, happier, and distanced from reality's cruel hurdles. But why me? Why did I adopt this secondary character? Why did I need to escape?

From an early age, I have always struggled with my image – the continual battles I had with my body were a day-to-day occurrence. I hated myself! I felt like a stranger in my own skin and spent most of my years searching for love from others. This need played havoc with numerous relationships, as I required continual external validation – I needed someone to tell me I was a good person, if I looked okay, or even to make me feel loved, because I didn’t feel any for myself.

Matt Busbridge

Coke was my drug of choice, happily married to alcohol – the two became inseparable as they were my weekly concoction. I disliked feeling drunk, and the drugs would then balance me out so I could hold a conversation without slurring my words. This relationship lasted for a good 10 to 11 years and provided me with nothing more than deep depression, constant anxiety, daily fear, as well as creating a make-believe world with false promises.

Picking up drugs developed into a game for me and gave me a buzz of endorphins! I hadn’t even taken the drug yet, and I was already high from the chase to get them. Weird, I know, but this adrenaline was something I enjoyed and looked forward to as soon as the dealer gave me the all-clear that they were on their way.

Being sociable gradually started to fade away; the need to be out and about soon dispersed as I took comfort in my own home. Why would I take drugs in public when I could just do as much as I wanted at home? Home became my new stomping ground, and I couldn’t wait to leave my friends to end up there – playing music, sniffing lines, and drinking myself silly. This was living for me.

Sobriety came with an ex-partner due to the problems it was causing in our relationship at the time. It was the main factor behind a lot of my irresponsible behaviour, and this all came to a halt last January. We had an argument whilst out for my birthday – the argument continued once we were home. I took off and returned the following day, unaware that she had written up a list of occasions where I had been disrespectful whilst intoxicated. What a wake-up call that was!

The following day I decided to go cold turkey, as I didn’t want to hurt her or ruin the relationship any further – alcohol wasn’t going to destroy anything more in my life. I wasn’t going to allow it to continually alter my life or control me into making stupid decisions. It was time to say F**k Off and Farewell.

Sobriety has been a challenge, but a challenge that is allowing me to grow into the person I’ve been searching for. It’s given me the ability to look within myself and to fall in love with who I am – the authentic me. I no longer fear challenges, as I don’t have substances to fall back on.

Do I miss it? The answer to that is definitely not. I don’t really know who that person was, as they were walking through life with no purpose, lonely, unwanted, fearful, and disconnected. Now, I walk with my head high, confident in my purpose, as I know what I’m here to do – to help others.

My relationship with my friends and family has become so much stronger, as they are seeing the real me. I am no longer this caricature. I’m me, and it’s the best version I could ever hope for.

Remember – No Packet, No Racket.