Stop self-medicating and start healing

It is quite well known that drinking alcohol can cause mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. But what about people like myself with pre-existing mental health conditions?

Drinking for some people starts with mental illness; in my case chronic PTSD and BPD, including symptoms of intense anxiety, depression, restless sleep and psychosis. I didn’t know how else to find relief and escape. I white-knuckled my way through life, living for the next time I could binge drink to obliterate my pain and exhaustion.

I tried hard to be a good mum, a kind friend, and a useful member of the community. I presented myself with a smile on the outside but on the inside I was utterly miserable.

I knew I was drinking too much but I also felt different to other problem drinkers. I wasn’t getting into trouble or “addicted” to alcohol in the sense of daily drinking, but when I felt overwhelmed it was alcohol I turned to in unhealthy quantities. I became dependent on the temporary relief. Many people do this, both those with mental health issues and those experiencing emotional distress.

I was trapped in a cycle of using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Desperately seeking comfort, I turned to my toxic pal not knowing that it was actually making me weaker and reinforcing a cycle of dependency and despair. It was also preventing me from healing.

Somewhere in this long and awful battle I came across the idea of sobriety being a possible way forward, a cure even, but it seemed daunting, if not impossible.

I was willing to try it though, in the hope that I would feel better, and I did my best to drink less frequently. I achieved some success, building up to months of sobriety at a time, but I discovered sobriety was not a panacea that would solve all my problems. 

Many of the symptoms of my conditions remained, including depression, anxiety, poor sleep and hallucinations. These remained difficult to cope with, and I no longer had the numbing escape that I was used to. I felt fed up, that it wasn’t fair, and I would eventually turn back to drink. My focus was wrong, and my mindset wasn't right either!

A huge mistake I made was expecting to be able to achieve some of the best outcomes reported by other newly sober people. I kept reading about the wonders of better sleep, disappearing anxiety, and newfound joy. This wasn’t happening for me and I felt frustrated.

I came to realise that, though stopping drinking wouldn’t make me well by itself, it was an essential step towards wellness, which for me meant learning to live with my mental health conditions and working hard to make the best possible life for myself.

What I needed to do was to focus on the benefits that sobriety brought me. I stopped comparing myself to others and compared myself only to me when I was drinking. I learned to appreciate everything that I gained from staying sober. Here’s my top 10 of those wonderful gains:

Clarity – Better self-awareness and perspective.

Time - For self-care, personal growth and healing.

Patience – To develop and practise healthier coping techniques.

Money – More available to invest in life-affirming and enriching experiences that nourish rather than numb my soul. (I found I particularly enjoy travelling around the country for sober meet ups!)

Resilience – To cope with my ongoing symptoms with more strength, grace and serenity. Overcoming adversity without numbing my emotions.

Empowerment – Taking full responsibility for my wellbeing and finding solutions rather than running from problems. Being in better control of my choices.

Self-respect – Knowing I am doing everything I can to help myself.

Energy – To exercise and make healthy choices that keep making me stronger.

Community – Making new sober friends online and in person. Feeling a part of something special and making genuine connections.

Purpose - Discovering a rewarding sense of purpose in life by helping others.

Perhaps the most profound impact of sobriety on my mental health is a sense of hope and positivity. This means the world to me after decades of depression and despair.

What astounds me is that in the times I've been under psychiatric care, mental health professionals were aware of my substance abuse but never told me how much difference sobriety could make. Why, especially when mental health is so widely talked about nowadays, is this life changing tool not one of the first therapeutic choices?!

I feel strongly that - in the same way we are told the precise harms of smoking - the information about how alcohol affects our brains should be more widely publicised. 

Alcohol alters chemical processes in our brains that help us manage our emotions. For example, even small regular amounts of alcohol result in our brain producing less dopamine. After the artificial lift it’s harder to feel real happiness and we’re more likely to feel low and lethargic in the long term. Alcohol also raises our baseline level of cortisol (taking weeks to return to normal), which raises our overall stress levels.

Drinking alcohol actually creates mental health issues in some people, especially anxiety and depression, and it worsens them for people with pre-existing conditions. It’s a mental health disaster!  

I believe that anyone struggling with their mental health should be encouraged and supported to try a sober lifestyle. I want everyone to know what a powerful positive difference living alcohol free makes.

Sobriety may not have cured my mental illness, but it allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of my struggles and cope much better with them. It has undeniably improved my life.

I can’t help feeling sadness for not discovering this path sooner. But I find solace in the knowledge that with each sober step forward, I am forging a brighter future for myself. I hope to help illuminate the path to sobriety for others, especially those in a similar situation to me.