I haven’t drunk alcohol since April 2023 and I can’t quite believe I can say this. I am not an alcoholic or even a huge binge drinker, but perhaps I was becoming increasingly alcohol-dependent. I haven’t given my relationship with it a name just yet. But I know it was taking up my time. And my energy. And depleting me in so many ways, that the negatives began to outweigh the positives. And that’s when we must cut and run, right? But how to cut and run from a habit that is so socially ingrained and so deeply embedded and how to know if it’s an issue or not? I go by the premise that if you are thinking about it too much - reminiscent of my calorie counting days - then it is a problem to be explored. I would spend a lot of my day from mid-week onwards arguing with myself over whether to drink wine that night or not. Did I deserve the ‘treat’? Could I wait one more night and be even more deserving? And when I did drink, I would monitor carefully, checking how much of the bottle was gone and adding up scores in my head. To and fro I would go... counting and wasting head space on something that brings me nothing. But wait, my ego would cry; it does bring you something... It relaxes you and melts away your stress, does it not? And of course, truly, practically and intrinsically we know, WE KNOW, that it does none of those things. It switches off your frontal lobes, is what it does do. It checks your soul out for the night and lets your ego take the wheel. And then, the next day, when your lobes are back online but swimming in poisoned waters, the anxiety of what the ego did or said whilst the soul was overruled washes over like an un-surfable whiteout wave. Shudder… and yet, the chemical imbalance as the poison clears feels so terrifying, we can’t wait to go back to that state of feeling medicated. It is a trap. All of this, I knew, as we all do. But I worried that removing alcohol from my life would also remove the joy, the fun, the socialising and the general lighthearted bonhomie element, much-needed in a world like ours. A little inner voice would assure me that once the habits were reset, this state could be found again, in other ways. It could be created at home, a homemade relaxant and stress relief without the nasty side effects! What a thing! But getting through the jungle of reform was ahead. The task of getting through those initial few weeks, as your ego writhes in agony and rages because you have removed its power and its fun. The work of constantly assuring your soul, that you will ignore that noise, and stay within your peace until the air clears. And the air does clear. And it feels like the first clear air you’ve ever drawn! If I could tell you only one thing I have gained from losing the booze (there are so many), it would be this…I’m always there. I’m always entirely fully there. Wherever I am. It’s me there, not a version of me, not a caricature of me, just me. I only have myself to worry about - no loud alter-egos to keep in check and dissect the behaviour of. Just me. Always me. Every time. What a thing. It’s not what is in the glass that matters, it is what is in your mind. Set your intentions to freedom, let go of what no longer serves you, be present and see what is around you and you will have fun. Promise.
Poem - By Donna Ashworth
GIVE UP Sometimes you have to give up things you really like to get the things you really need. And it’s not an immediate switch, like handing ransom money to a kidnapper. There is a barren, terrifying period of nothing, where regret and familiarity plead with you to reconsider. And you have to be strong, use hope as your shield. Hope, that behind the thing you thought was great, is something much better, waiting for a clear space. Sometimes you have to give up things you love to get the things you need. And it’s worth it, my friends. I promise you, it’s worth it.
