My Sober Journey

Unfortunately, if we were to put my story into a category of genre, it would 100% be found in the horror section. It all started at school. I was bullied over my weight at school and the kids would make fun and ridicule me all the time. I would often come home and cry over it, feeling like I looked disgusting and had something wrong with me. Over the years it completely shot my confidence to pieces and at 15 I decided to starve myself and would also make myself sick after eating anything. I had an eating disorder and went from overweight to scarily thin and always hated what I saw in the mirror. This was also the age I discovered alcohol. I instantly connected with this poison, it felt like it numbed my self-doubt, gave me the confidence I lacked and made me feel how I wanted to feel when I was sober. Then at age 18 at a party, I was given an ecstasy tablet and this is the pinnacle moment the cycle of self-medicating truly began. Nothing has ever been about moderation and I would always go head-first into everything. What was an occasional weekend event for friends, turned into a daily occurrence for me. I’d buy these tablets in large amounts and throw them back like smarties, accompanied with an unhealthy amount of alcohol.. my partners in crime, hand in hand. I started using both in my bedroom in the evening while my parents were downstairs watching television. I’d lie there in a self-induced coma and it felt like they made my brain stop all of the negative thoughts shooting through my head, like lightning bolts in a thunderstorm. I would go on in life to have an extremely busy social life, being out with friends as much as possible and lads holidays (I’ve been to Ibiza 5 times!), so I could make excuses to drink to excess and I would always take it too far.

I’d go out in Birmingham every weekend and start drinking from Friday, get into all sorts of crazy, drunken situations and return home looking like a warmed-up corpse on a Sunday evening. I had a serious problem and it was only getting worse. Alcohol had its claws in me big time! At 21 I bought a new car, a Mini Cooper and after driving into town to have drinks, I got drunk and decided to drive my new, shiny car home. On the way back I remember thinking “these mini’s drove like go-karts”, right before going round a corner too fast (2 minutes from home) and I drove straight into a house. I remember bricks and blocks scattered everywhere, the car written off and smoke and dust clouds. It looked like a scene from a war film. I was arrested for drink driving, spent the night in a cell and ended up with a ban from driving. The structural engineer reported that if I had driven just inches to the left, I would have gone into the house and killed myself and the entire family. A sobering life event, which to this day I am incredibly ashamed of and it should have kicked me into touch. But I buried the shame and guilt deep inside and went to live in London and studied music at university.

I played bass at school and music was my passion and a world I could escape to. I went on to play for many different artists and bands in my 20’s and was lucky enough to play Glastonbury and other great gigs, including a tour and sessions with Radio 1 performing at some amazing venues. But it was constant anxiety and self doubt which I would cover with drink after drink after drink. I’d always make sure I was drunk to perform, drunk to rehearse and drunk for social events etc. After thinking I was going to “make it” and become a famous musician, it just never happened. So I moved on and ended up working for a top luxury fashion brand in central London. I was a manager at a store of nearly 200 employees and the stress was another level! I worked hard and was even promoted pretty quickly but then the demons showed their ugly faces once the stress became too much.

Nothing has ever been about moderation and I would always go head-first into everything

I’d often down a 4 pack of strong lager on the tube, carry on drinking once home and be hungover for work the next day. This then escalated over time, to the point where I would even drink on my lunch break as a coping mechanism or before I even arrived at work events. It all finally came crashing down from a great height and I just couldn’t go on anymore. I turned up drunk to work one day and I was a mess, everyone could tell and I walked straight out and into the nearest pub and broke down crying. I then spent 3 weeks drinking to blackout and isolating at home, not talking to anyone and hiding from the world. I ended up going to live with my parents and was signed off work with anxiety and depression. After deciding to leave London and start a fresh, I met a girl and we connected and became serious pretty quickly. I moved in with her, started my own business which proved to be a success and hired a workshop where I could build my orders. After taking on a huge project, the pressure got too much for me and I started secretly drinking and taking drugs, sneaking into the house at 3am and sleeping in the spare room. I would tell my other half I was working so late to keep on top of things.

At my worst I would wake up, start drinking instantly to “feel better” and continue drinking and using drugs all day until the early hours and this went on for an entire 6 week period! Unsurprisingly it all became immensely serious, affected my entire life and I had a serious breakdown. I’m extremely lucky to still be alive after everything I put my body through. The amounts of lies i would tell due to addiction were shocking.

I worked my way through my partners entire gin bar (she had one at her house) and told her it had evaporated due to the hot weather! I also went home drunk once and said that my therapist (who I was seeing about addiction) had told me to grab a bottle and go and celebrate my recovery! Madness. The final straw was when I was found drinking a bottle of wine in the morning and it was either rehab to sort myself out or my relationship was over for good. I went to The Priory, Roehampton on the inpatient addiction program and spent 30 days focusing on my mental health. It all went very well and I thought i had solved my problems. I hadn’t. I was still in denial and was staying sober for all the wrong reasons, for everyone else but myself. I soon relapsed and in turn lost everything. My girlfriend, my beautiful boxer dog, the house, the car, the business etc. I ended up living on my own and spiralled out of control into a hole of constant drinking and drug taking. At my lowest point where I wanted to end it all, I had just attended a wedding of a family friend. I drank so much that I ended up taking my clothes off, getting into fights and told all of the guests to (insert swear word here!) I had hit a new level of rock bottom and something had to happen. I had a panic attack after throwing up blood one night and that was when I had a moment of clarity. It felt like a sledge hammer to the head, I had to sort my life out or it was all over. I would most certainly die. Exactly a year later from my first stay, I booked myself back into The Priory again as an inpatient on the general mental health program. I was no longer in denial and I was very aware of how serious my relationship with alcohol had become. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Cyclothymia during my stay and finally it all started to click. After delving deep during psychology sessions and putting in as much self care work as I could, I was finally understanding how my brain worked. It had been an awfully sad journey to get to this point but I was getting sober for me this time and I was going to do whatever it took to heal and ensure I never drank again. From that day I’ve never looked back. Since my sober date I’ve raised money for charities such as Mind and Cancer research (as my dad had it), found my sober tribe on Dryy (the sober platform), started a consistent 5am morning routine including meditation, journaling and mental health research. Started hiking, climbing mountains and am currently training for a half marathon. I’ve reconnected with loved ones and friends and gone out of my way to be present and there for them. I have also lost 2 stone in weight but healthily since giving up alcohol, and finally feel the happiest I have ever been and like how I look in the mirror!! I’m finally starting to forgive myself for acts that I saw as unforgivable and all the hurt and pain I’ve caused through alcohol and drug abuse. The one major lesson I’ve learnt, is that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain! I wish I hadn’t sat in such a deep hole of sadness, thinking alcohol was the answer when it just added flames to the fire. I’ve finally decided to be loud and proud about being sober and the best version of myself. From everything I’ve been through, I now just hope that sharing my stories will help others and ensure they don’t have to suffer alone. Dropping the poison was the best thing I have ever done and this is just the beginning for me. Its been 7 months and this is the start of the rest of my life. It’s never too late to turn things around and I’m finally realising you shouldn’t lose todays happiness by thinking about yesterday’s pain. The future is finally looking extremely bright.