I will always refer to you both as Demon No.1 and Demon No.2. CD With your long and sharp, piercing claws latched and buried deep into my back. You have both fed off my insecurity, anxiety, low self-worth and lack of confidence throughout my entire life. With every continuous selfish and catastrophic life event, you grew bigger and stronger until I could no longer carry you both and I finally fell apart. As you sucked out every last bit of dignity, levels of trust and respect I had left with loved ones and any sense of happiness, I could not carry on anymore. It’s interesting how we started out, as what I thought, was a great friendship between us all. Always hand in hand, never leaving one behind and venturing out with my exciting poisonous, chemical companions. So much laughter, fun times, living for the moment, not a care in the world. I have always been so loyal to you both, putting you first, before everyone and everything. Hoping you would never leave me and chasing you to stay. Being alone was far too scary for me. Volunteering to have bigger and bigger chunks ripped out of me, despite the deeper the pain intensity you inflicted each time. Until you grew greedier and hungrier, not giving a shit about other people’s feelings, only concentrating on what we wanted. Turning happiness into sadness, confidence into isolation and love into hate. Remember the laughs we had but always at the expense of others and myself. All of the times I thought we would end up happy but it only lead to utter sadness. That time I crashed my car into that house after drinking all night and wrote it off. Going to court and being told that if I had crashed just inches to the left, I would have killed the entire family inside including myself. he time I woke up in hospital because I got so wasted, I punched a mirror, stepped on broken glass bare footed and blood was everywhere. The ambulance crew having to struggle to carry me down three flights of stairs because I was so drunk. What a waste of these people’s time when they could have been elsewhere helping others.
When I jumped off that eight-foot-high wall and broke my heel and was on crutches for months nearly losing my job. Going missing in Birmingham for days at a time drinking and taking drugs. Ending up at a random person’s house, not really knowing anyone to “continue the party”. Then end up stranded needing to get home. Breaking my knuckles after punching a wall for no real reason. Projectile vomiting everywhere in clubs and being thrown out numerous times for being such a mess. Then continuing to be sick in a taxi and having to pay to have them cleaned. This list could go on and on and on… It is so shameful that I continued feeding you both with endless disastrous life events where I could literally write an entire book about self- destruction. The genre 100% horror. Like parasites or a dog tick pulled out too fast, you demons will always have your claws inside me, and I will always carry your vile curse and demonic possession. But now it’s time for starvation. No more feeding and I am conducting my own personal mental exorcism. Time to restore resentment to trust, mockery to respect, self-loathing to self confidence and it’s finally the time to say goodbye forever.
I know it will be tough but through consistent therapy, family and friends, self-care and hard work (plus all the meds), it’s time to build bridges instead of burning them, build my self- confidence instead of self-destruction and I will never be seeing you both again.
Time to focus on being the best version of myself, one day at a time and this can not happen being friends with either of you. So, to sum up this goodbye letter politely. Leave me alone as I’m bigger than you both now. I am finally excited for the future without you. Healthy, clean and positive. I will stand tall on my own. I will be stronger than I ever thought possible. I will be happy. All without you.
