Let me tell you about my alter ego or ‘Bob’ as I called him. Bob would hide away during the day but come out to play after the first drink. Even though Will didn’t want him to, he would arrive regardless. Bob would say we HAVE to have another drink. He would say we HAVE to go to the next bar. He would say we HAVE to buy a gram of coke. I would be dragged along for the ride even though I had been mentally contesting it all day. Stuck in that persistent and relentless mental battle up until the moment I had that first drink, then I would give up. As soon as that train left the station there was no stopping it, so why bother trying? I would disappear and return at 5am to see the mess that Bob has created.
Bob would say we HAVE to have another drink I’m sat in my living room. Drunk, high, alone and restless. I am scraping and licking the residue of cocaine off a plate with empty bottles all around me and an overwhelming sense of shame. I pace around my flat, my mind racing about the situation I’m in. I have a heavy pit in my stomach and my body is flooded with guilt & regret.
He called the shots - and drank them too! Before I knew it I was right back to pacing my flat as the sun comes up feeling so frustrated that I had no control over my actions. ’Why did I do this to myself again?!’ As soon as the alcohol and cocaine wore off, so would Bob. He would sink into remission and leave me to clean up the mess. I spent years in a battle with Bob never knowing why it was so easy for me to forget the pain he would bring to my life. I would be tricked by the glamour, the pressure and the ‘you only live once’ talk. ‘If everyone is doing it then it must be okay?’ ‘Why does no one else suffer like I do?’ ’Maybe next time I can just moderate’ For so long I played this game of trying to find the right balance of how to regain control of the situation but the one fact that I refused to accept for so many years was that it was always the first drink that lead to Bob returning. If everyone is doing it then it must be okay?
‘No one is coming to save you’ I would tell myself. I had to take action. There was only ever one way to control Bob, and that was to keep him locked away, forever! He no longer calls to be let out but instead slowly starved & disappeared from my mind. I am back in control. I no longer have a mess to clean up. I am free to wake peacefully in the morning, breathe deep and feel gratitude for being present with myself. This is the life I used to dream of when I was curled up on the couch hating myself. For so many years I saw no hope, no light and no future. This is not to say he could never return….of course he could. He just needs his fuel - alcohol. Without alcohol he cannot survive. It’s now been 5 years since I’ve seen Bob and I’m grateful for every day without him.
