Moving out of people pleasing and learning to put your needs first

Many of my clients come to therapy with some level of awareness that how they lived their lives whilst drinking is not how they wish to continue in sobriety. 

A common insight people come with is the realisation that they have been living their lives for other people and have neglected to consider their own needs along the way.

People pleasing is now a mainstream term which refers to a tendency towards pleasing others at the expense of our own needs and /or minimising and ignoring our needs and changing who we are to fit in.

As a drinker I prided myself on being a people pleaser. I wore my obliging and cooperative nature like a badge of honour even when people would comment on how overly accommodating I was. 

The words ‘ I don’t know how you do it’ and ‘you’re so considerate’ felt like compliments and justification for the hard work, time and effort I was putting in. Never mind that I was permanently burnt out, living a life according to other people and jumping over my needs and disconnection like an olympic hurdler. 

In hindsight, my binges were an attempt to let off steam from the pressure of overcommitting and living out of alignment but inevitably they fed into the exhaustion and kept me even further away from recognising what I needed.

Similarly, a client of mine who was struggling with sobriety would overcommit in work and at home and then ‘treat’ himself to a bottle of wine at the end of the day like it was the only thing he could do without it taking away or impacting on anyone else. Sadly this kind of self sabotage led to feelings of shame about why he couldn’t stop drinking which led to even more people pleasing and working even harder to try and feel better. A cycle many of us have been caught in. 

On the face of it, people pleasing is a selfless and admirable act of kindness with the intent of making the other person(s) happy. In our current society it is often celebrated as a desirable personal characteristic. However, below the surface is often an internal battle between who we truly are and who we have been led to believe we should be. This division and disconnection from ourselves can manifest as a belief that we will be judged negatively or rejected if we put in boundaries or put our needs first. 

Consequently we then feel guilty or like a bad person when we think about prioritising ourselves and so people pleasing takes on the role of a coping mechanism to avoid sitting with these uncomfortable emotions. 

Here is where I call you to find your courage and self compassion. Moving towards meeting our needs takes a great amount of courage, so go gently with yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard and treat each attempt like an experiment. If you don’t get it the first time, that’s ok. If you start off well and end up falling into old patterns, that is also ok. Be compassionate to the fact you are trying and trust the process. 

I am going to quote another one of my clients here who developed his own approach to reduce the likelihood of falling into people pleasing, he called it the ‘Respond Don’t React’ practice. This simply meant stopping and pausing for a few seconds or more before responding to a request i.e. e-mails, texts, calls, favours. For him, just that small amount of time was incredibly valuable and greatly reduced the likelihood of spontaneous commitment. 

In this moment of pause, it can be helpful to check in with yourself. Your body will be giving you cues as to what it needs and when we pause we are better placed to notice them and respond authentically. See if you can notice the following:

Physically: Do you notice any tension anywhere? Maybe a pressure in your head or discomfort in your gut?

Emotionally: What are you feeling? Is there resentment? Irritation? Anger? Numbness? 

You can also ask yourself these questions:

Who or what am I doing this for? 

What do I believe will happen if I put myself first?

Am I overwhelmed already? 

What do I actually need right now?

It can be helpful to write these things down or maybe talk it over with someone you feel safe with.

The subtle art of a healthy ‘No’.

Saying ‘No’ is a crucial part of learning to move out of people pleasing and towards putting yourself first but for a lot of us, saying ‘No’ can feel like an insult. I assure you, it is not and often, saying No can be the kindest thing you do for yourself and others. 

Getting comfortable with No not only safeguards your needs but also lets others know what your standards are, how you want to be treated and what they can expect of you. 

Contrary to popular belief, people actually appreciate and respect this kind of clarity as it lets them know where you and they stand. 

Unlike an unhealthy No which may come from a place of exhaustion, irritation or resentment, the origin of a healthy No is a place of kindness towards yourself and the other.

Some examples of a healthy No:

Thank you for asking, but that is not going to work for me.

I would like to but I can’t right now, I’ll let you know when I am free and see if that works for you?

I am not able to do that but maybe (insert suggestion) can?

Thank you for thinking of me but I am busy, can you ask me later?

It may feel uncomfortable and counterintuitive to begin with so good self care and compassion is absolutely necessary. Start small and practice where you feel there will be the most likelihood of success. In time, learning to meet your own needs will reduce your levels of stress, improve your confidence and give you more time for the things that really matter which conversely makes you more present for yourself and others.