A Family Tradition: It Ends Here

Why did my drinking become problematic when others can take it or leave it? To find  the answer, I needed to start from the beginning. Speaking with my therapist recently, I  traced my trauma back multiple generations. I could not have avoided addiction even if I  had tried. It was only through discussing the childhoods and family dynamics of both of  my parents that I realized I really had no shot of a healthy upbringing.  

Both of my parents grew up surrounded by addiction, abuse, and abandonment. It is  likely that what attracted them to each other was the comfort of chaos. They had lived in  it their whole lives, so much so, that it felt like home to them. Their trauma bond was  instant. Their relationship became unhealthy and explosive because they had never  healed from their past. The heavy baggage they each carried with them played a role in  their relationship and then of course impacted the way they parented as well. Lucky us.  

My sister and I experienced many things that children should never have to. My dad  died of an overdose when we were only 8 and 5 years old. My mom did what she could  but she too, struggled with her own demons. I missed out on a lot of my childhood  because I spent it parenting my sibling and myself when nobody else was there to do it.  I’m not here to write a sob story. These are simply the stepping stones that lead me down a path to alcohol dependency. People with childhood trauma are more likely to  develop an addiction. It makes complete sense when you think about it. We must find  some way to cope with these big feelings. It’s easier to numb them away than to have to  process them. It was no different for me.  

When I discovered alcohol in my early teens, I was relieved. I finally had a way to  escape. What started as an innocent rite of passage for most teenagers developed into  something bigger for me. I used alcohol to let go of the control I constantly craved but  also to discuss things I would never dare speak about sober. It allowed me to be  vulnerable while simultaneously numbing me. It became my social crutch and my sole  coping mechanism.  

When I had children of my own, I knew I couldn’t repeat the same toxic cycle I had been  exposed to as a child. I had to find another way. I tried moderation repeatedly. It felt like  torture to try to have ‘just one’ when all I ever wanted was more, more, more every time  I drank. I was a good mom, but I wanted to be a great mom and eventually, I had to  come to terms with the fact that alcohol would always hold me back from that. I knew I  had to let it go for good. It took me twenty years, three kids, and countless hangovers to  get here, but now, I am finally living a beautiful sober life.  

Choosing sobriety was a way for me to take my power back. I am choosing to heal  myself from things that were once out of my control. My children will always feel safe  and protected, things I never really had during my childhood. I hope by witnessing my  journey, they come to understand that alcohol is not a necessity for fun or relaxation. I  have never been a more present or patient parent and I credit that solely to sobriety.  

Recently, my mom succumbed to her own addictions, leaving us with so many  unanswered questions and what ifs. While feeling all the emotions that have come with  this loss hasn’t been easy, being sober through the process has made it so much more  manageable. I could’ve easily followed in the footsteps of my parents but instead, I will  honor their memory and recover out loud to help those still suffering in silence. I will  choose strength. I will choose healing. I will always choose sobriety.